Unsolicited Dick Pics

This was a match from the name swipe game; #1. Can anyone explain to me where I went wrong? Did I somehow imply that I was looking for a lesbian BDSM relationship?



TB: Hi red Sonia!
Very sexy
U got big blue eyes

[Juliet says: Way to state facts there, bro.]

DJ: I do. :)

TB: Yes
Id definitely have fun with you

DJ: Oh would you now?
Define fun...

TB: Some bdsm or maybe just a lesbian affair

DJ: I see.
Exactly how are you going to have a lesbian affair? You are a dude.

TB: Trust me you'll think I'm a lesbian trapped in a mans body

DJ: But you have a penis, right?

TB: Lol I'm a dude dun't worry I'm just not out for my nutt that's all
Oh yes

DJ: Ahhhh I see.

[Juliet says: Do I though? No. I still don't.]

TB: *Sends dick pic* See
*Sends a second pic* Here's one more for good luck.

[Juliet says: At this point I am trying to decide how to proceed; or not. Easily a 5-10min pause]

TB: Ummmm hello?

DJ: Well I wasn't asking for a picture of it!!
I was just confirming the gender you identified with.

TB: Ummmm oops sorry
My bad

DJ: You totally misread the vibe there dude.

TB: Chick! I'm sorry

DJ: Well, if MLB can allow 3 strikes so can I.

[Juliet says: This is good blog fodder, so I'll keep it going for now]

TB: Ummm ok
Only cuz ur interested
Lol

DJ: I told you I'm bored. Entertain me.

TB: I thought I just did?
And i'm no clown that juggle dildos or anything

DJ: I wasn't entertained, i was almost offended.

TB: How?
With a good time?

DJ: You send me a dick pic bro. Completely uninvited.

TB: Your lesbian huh?

[Juliet says: Yes, because if someone doesn't want to see your dick they MUST be a lesbian. Maybe this is NOT worth the blog fodder...]

DJ: I'm looking for a stimulating adult conversation. I can see now that I am looking in the wrong place. No, I am straight. However that doesn't mean I am some slut who is in any way hoping to see your junk. I don't know you.

TB: Hmmmmm!! Well this has got off on the wrong foot.

DJ: Quite, sir. Quite. I think it's best if we part ways at this juncture.

TB: Poof!

Mrs. Robinson

So, one of my matches from the experiment will be excluded from the results... read on to see why.

TB: Hi

[Juliet checks his profile which lists him as 45, but his blurb says "I'm not 45"]

DJ: If you are not 45... How old are you?
TB: Lol 23
When i started my facebook i put it older as a joke and idk how to change it back hahah
DJ: Hahahaha that is hilarious! You are toooooo young for me. I AM 39.
TB: Aw
DJ: I actually only have this account for blog fodder right now. But if you ever need advice from an older woman, you just let me know, mister! ;)
TB: Thank you! I will definetly ask you.
DJ: :D


29 Oct 2015
DJ: I have decided to send you weekly tips on how to woo the ladies and be a proper gentleman.
This week: grammar, spelling and syntax. You're a step in the right direction using actual punctuation. :D Just know that any woman worth her salt will appreciate the finer things like a capitalized "I" and proper spelling (it's definitely). That's all for now.

17 Nov 2015
DJ: Okay, so not weekly. She is a bad mentor. BAD OLDER WOMAN!
Today, though, let's talk about prophylactics, shall we? Did you know that some STDs can be transmitted even if you use them?
While it is true that condoms can cut the risk of transmitting herpes by half, you can still get it since the virus actually sheds outside the genital area and as a virus it can be transmitted by skin to skin contact.
So, get tested often and always practice safe sex!!




Next up...

• Dick pics are for meathead assholes who are just looking to get their dick wet. Stick to well placed double entendres and innuendo. Always leave 'em wanting more.

The Rhyme Collector

During the name swipe experiment, I matched with a "#2" (on 30Oct) who actually had a good blurb:

"Brain cells are lit, ideas start to hit, next the formation of words that fit, at the table i sit, making it legit, and when my pen hits the paper, awwww shit." (BDK)
6'4, lawyer, dope rhyme collector.

07Nov

DJ: I have a poem for your rhyme collection:
[#2] matched with me on tinder a week ago now, yet he hasn't even said hello. I was hoping a hottlie like him would bow, and bid a fair maiden a "yo". I'll make the first move, in the hopes that he'll grove, and send me a wink or a smile; "Dear, [#2]," I sass, "just where is your class? Your hello has taken a while."

[Juliet says: #2 is a two syllable name so I promise the pentameter is accurate!]

08Nov
TB: Badass rhyme. Complicated rhyme scheme and everything. I appreciate it.

[Juliet says: At this point, he starts to open up a dialogue. Asks me how I'm adjusting to the area and such, we chat briefly (he sent 3 messages over the course of 30min). As soon as I ask about his hobbies and what kind of law he practices... BAM. He disappears again. Interesting. So I send another rhyme.]

14Nov
DJ: Smoking some sativa on a splenderific Saturday, Beth sits on her patio to write. She wonders, how has [#2] been? I'll send another rhyme, and then...
He'll return a rhyme to her with much delight.

[Juliet says: Alas, he did not. I might send just one more rhyme ('cause they are fun to write) come this Saturday or so and then write him off. Not that I need another TB, you know, but it was nice to chat with one who used proper grammar and shit. Ah well; c'est la vie.]


TINDER RANT:
What the fuck, people? How am I supposed to accurately troll the Tinders when you don't tell me when people were last active anymore? Did someone stop chatting because they haven't been on the app in a week or two, or because they aren't interested and just were too lazy to click unmatch? What's with showing us where someone went to school instead of their activity level on the app? Isn't Tinder supposed to mostly be for trollin' anyway?

NaNoWriMo

November is National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) and this year, through sheer cussed determination, I am going to get 50,000 words on the page toward a new novel.

So, while I will continue the current name experiment and more conversations are certain to be shared for your reading pleasure, please bear with me this next month as my workload shifts slightly.

Fear not, though, dear readers. I will be back in full force come December once the novel is off to editing. I am also fairly sure the holiday blues will send Tinder-ers into a tizzy, so I expect much blog fodder to come.

Wow. Just wow.

I will let the conversation speak for itself.


TB: I see you are single you have kids
Where Cali you live
DJ: I do not have kids. I live in CITY OMITTED.
TB: Want kids
So why no man
DJ: You want kids? Like right now?
TB: If I met someone who wants kids sure
Why not
DJ: Well, I guess I'm just not there yet.
Very very newly single.
TB: Would you like to exchange numbers
DJ: I like to chat a little bit in the app before giving out my number.* Tell me a little more about you.

[Juliet says: *I learned from a horrible mistake]

TB: I'm single 39 no kids I'm from Boston I work out 6 days aweek trying his site not looking for one nighter but i do enjoy sex but not a one nighter I travel 3 times a year I like out doors activities I'm very open you

[Juliet says: Holy crap I get dizzy trying to read his texts. Where is the punctuation?!]

DJ: I am 39 as well. No kids, but still legally married. I am separated and not looking for a hookup but also not looking for LTR.
TB: So your looking for f w b
DJ: I am looking for friends. If a spark appears, perhaps benefits, but only if they naturally progress.
TB: That's find so you enjoy lots of sex
Do size matter
DJ: Well, I have a healthy libido if that's what you're asking.
As in height/build? Or "package size"
TB: All
My package like a 9
DJ: Height doesn't matter to me. I'm pretty short so it's uncommon for me to be taller.
TB: That's good so how long can you last in bed

[Juliet says: Haven't even finished the one question and he's shooting out more. Damn, he is trying to fast forward to "suck my dick" isn't he?]

DJ: "Healthy" or "medium" build is probably what I am quickly attracted to, however no one is perfect.
TB: How's my build

[Juliet says: Oh wow! I thought maybe he was speaking in some broken english or something, but now that I look at his pics... he's just a stupid meathead jock!]

DJ: Well, that's getting a bit personal pretty quickly.
TB: I find you attractive
DJ: Thank you.
TB: What do you think of me
DJ: Well, I don't really know enough about you yet. What do you do? For your profession
TB: Personal trainer
DJ: Ahhhhhh
TB: You
So when are you free to go out

[Juliet says: I feel like he is stabbing at me with a club when he says that; Mongol style -- YOU... *grunt* *grunt*]

DJ: Well, I'm actually busy all through Oct TBH. I get back from Vegas on 03 Nov.
TB: Vegas
So how bout I come see you when you come back
DJ: Yeah, my sister lives there.
Invite me to something and we'll see!

***A few days later***

TB: Hi
DJ: Hi, NAME OMITTED. How are you?
TB: Good just laying here you
Relaxing
DJ: Was organizing my kitchen cupboards and am taking a bong break.
TB: Really I'm not invited
I have really good trees
DJ: I have plenty myself!
TB: Can I come join you
DJ: I have a rule about meeting people in public first.
TB: We can meet in public fist silly
DJ: But I'm too stoned to drive.
TB: I'll drive to you
DJ: But then we aren't meeting in public!
TB: Yeah out side walking distance

[Juliet says: Yeah, bro; 'cause getting in a car with a stranger a few blocks from my house is totally just as safe as meeting in public.]

DJ: I really hope this doesn't offend you but your lack of punctuation makes it kind of heard to decipher your texts sometimes. Try and throw a comma in every now and again would you? ;)
TB: Lol
So let me ask you do you love sex when your stoned
I'm driving
DJ: Then you stop texting right now mister! No text and drive.
I am not looking for a hookup if that is where you are going
[Juliet says: I just think I'll remind him here... his memory isn't so great. He has asked me 3 times what city I live in)
TB: No I'm not looking for hookup but sex everyday would be nice few times day

[Juliet says: WOW]

DJ: Whoa. That feels super needy bro. I can't make that kind of commitment.
TB: Ok so how often then

[Juliet says: Here's where it gets REALLY good folks.]

DJ: Look, I'm not in any way promising to fuck you. I'm not that kind of girl. Let's start with basic human conversation, shall we? When you get to your destination and stop driving of course.
TB: But i want to fuck you lmao
DJ: How do you know that? I could be super gross.
TB: Woman with red hair and your eyes is enough my big fat cock go in you
Plus I have condoms for safe sex in till we have a relationship then bare
Unless you want a baby then we would have to work on my sperm getting in you
Do you like to get wet cumm all over you

[Juliet says: I think my favorite part of his terrible final slew of grossness is when he tries to educate me on how babies are made and if I want one we would have to change things up.]




I realize that I am swiping based on this experiment, and yes, he was a match from name #1. However, I figured I had gotten enough information from this toolbag.  I did not dignify him with a response and once all was captured for blog purposes, unmatched him.

Ladies? There be creepers out there. Be smart! Dudes? Don't be this guy.

A rose by any other name...

Most are familiar with this famous line from Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet,

     "What's in a name? that which we call a rose
     by any other name would smell as sweet;"

but what if you were to reverse it; take a group of people all with the same name and see how they are alike/differ? I decided to do just that and use Tinder for my experiment.

Step 1: Select a dozen names.

I'd like to say I selected these at random, but really it is all the first/middle names of my brothers, because it's very easy to remember those 12 names off the top of my head. ;)

Step 2: Swipe based on name ONLY.

The most interesting man in the world but name doesn't fit? LEFT

No picture or blurb but has the name? RIGHT

Those who read "The Tinder Deck" already have insight into what my (strong) opinions are when swiping through the deck. Can you imagine, then, what it is like for me to swipe right on someone with dreads AND a fedora; or worse, random picture and "looking for hookup" the only blurb information? Believe it or not though, this was not the hardest part of the experiment so far.

At a certain point I kind of found a way to hold my phone where all I actually see is the name. It makes it a bit easier for the initial swiping, but when I saw some of my matches I must admit to thinking "ew" a few times and at one point thought, I do NOT remem- ... Oh! Experiment. No data is being collected on looks and it will in no way skew my results.

Step 3: Have conversations with the matches.

Was this the hardest part? No. Some of the chats are difficult to be sure (syntax is so important to me, and there is so much epic fail out there) but I promise, we'll get to the hardest part.

Step 4: Collect and document data.

I have already started a spreadsheet documenting the names. I will swipe based on shortened names and/or alternate spellings (for example if the name William were on the list, I would swipe right on any William, Will, Bill, Billy, etc.). As usual, I will preserve anonymity and have assigned each name a number. I have some categories going already, but will need more matches and more conversations in order to populate the data.

Step 5: Analyze/blog the results.

You'll see it here in a few weeks! I have set a few additional parameters for this experiment (which will take place from 21 Oct - 03 Nov)

1. Use all likes for 7 consecutive days looking at name only. The rest of the time will be for chatting / collecting data.
2. Do not initiate contact with a match until they have said nothing for 3 days.
3. Do not meet anyone in person. This is based on names and chats only.
4. Be vague and make no promises to matches.*

*The hardest part about this experiment is the moral implication. These are real people out there and someone might actually be looking for the love of their life (but it's Tinder so most are just looking to get their dick wet). I had to think long and hard about how to not skew the experiment but also not toy with people's lives. Therefore I will be very careful to remain distant and reserved while still giving enough to keep the conversation going.

Gentlemanly Kindness vs. Misogyny

It it a bright line? No, 'tis a very fine line. However, let me try to explain for all you "nice guys" out there who need some schooling. Look, it all comes down to WHY you are performing an act of kindness. Is it because YOU are a good person; or because the other person has a vagina?

If you open the door for a female because she is a WOMAN -- you are a misogynist.
If you open the door for a female because they are a PERSON -- you are a gentleman.

If you offer to help a female out of a car because they are a WOMAN -- you are a misogynist.
If you offer to help a female out of a car because they are a PERSON -- you are a gentleman.

Do you sense a pattern here? Good.

If you offer to help someone out of a tall car because a) they are wearing platform heels and look like they might kill themselves if they don't get help, b) you don't care what gender that person identifies with, and c) all you really want is to help them avoid a faceplant... -- you are a good PERSON.

The goal, my friends, is not even to be a "gentleman" -- it's to be a good person. If you think you are a "nice guy" because you open the car door for your date, but you are really doing it because SHE is YOUR date and you now think she owes you something for your kindness, you are mistaken, sir.

If you offer to help someone across the street because they are a little old LADY -- you are a misogynist. Is this a kind act? Yes. Would you have done the same for an older gentleman in the same situation? That is key. Sure, you're not trying to get into the little old ladies pants, but we always talk about helping a little old LADY across the street. What about the sweet old GENTLEMAN trying to get across the street that keeps dropping those same oranges over and over out of his grocery bag and no one even thinks to help him (yes, I did help him. All the asshats behind me in traffic can go around. Despite the horns honking, I threw on my hazards, helped him with the poor bruised oranges, helped him across the street (and reminded him to wash the oranges really well before eating). Now, I don't share this story to make you go "OMG, she's such a good person!" I already know that. But it is an example for all of you "nice guys" out there -- next time someone is really having a hard day, step in and do your part. Think not of what gender they are, identify with, were born as, etc. Think about how a fellow human being on this planet could use a random act of kindness. Then, you won't even just be a gentleman and I'm here to tell you, a true woman is more likely to swoon after an intelligent and kind man any day of the week, regardless of what his abs may look like in a shirtless selfie.

Remember the rule*:
"Treat a woman like a person, then a princess, then a Greek goddess, then a person again."

Yes, we girls all want to be treated like ladies. However, some girls don't act like ladies, and some don't deserve to be treated like a lady. EVERYONE deserves to be treated like a PERSON.

*I am a fan of the show Psych. I would like to thank the writers of that show for this line (which was delivered by the character Shawn Spencer, but we all know it's the writers who are the brains behind literary gold like this).