Unsolicited Dick Pics

This was a match from the name swipe game; #1. Can anyone explain to me where I went wrong? Did I somehow imply that I was looking for a lesbian BDSM relationship?



TB: Hi red Sonia!
Very sexy
U got big blue eyes

[Juliet says: Way to state facts there, bro.]

DJ: I do. :)

TB: Yes
Id definitely have fun with you

DJ: Oh would you now?
Define fun...

TB: Some bdsm or maybe just a lesbian affair

DJ: I see.
Exactly how are you going to have a lesbian affair? You are a dude.

TB: Trust me you'll think I'm a lesbian trapped in a mans body

DJ: But you have a penis, right?

TB: Lol I'm a dude dun't worry I'm just not out for my nutt that's all
Oh yes

DJ: Ahhhh I see.

[Juliet says: Do I though? No. I still don't.]

TB: *Sends dick pic* See
*Sends a second pic* Here's one more for good luck.

[Juliet says: At this point I am trying to decide how to proceed; or not. Easily a 5-10min pause]

TB: Ummmm hello?

DJ: Well I wasn't asking for a picture of it!!
I was just confirming the gender you identified with.

TB: Ummmm oops sorry
My bad

DJ: You totally misread the vibe there dude.

TB: Chick! I'm sorry

DJ: Well, if MLB can allow 3 strikes so can I.

[Juliet says: This is good blog fodder, so I'll keep it going for now]

TB: Ummm ok
Only cuz ur interested
Lol

DJ: I told you I'm bored. Entertain me.

TB: I thought I just did?
And i'm no clown that juggle dildos or anything

DJ: I wasn't entertained, i was almost offended.

TB: How?
With a good time?

DJ: You send me a dick pic bro. Completely uninvited.

TB: Your lesbian huh?

[Juliet says: Yes, because if someone doesn't want to see your dick they MUST be a lesbian. Maybe this is NOT worth the blog fodder...]

DJ: I'm looking for a stimulating adult conversation. I can see now that I am looking in the wrong place. No, I am straight. However that doesn't mean I am some slut who is in any way hoping to see your junk. I don't know you.

TB: Hmmmmm!! Well this has got off on the wrong foot.

DJ: Quite, sir. Quite. I think it's best if we part ways at this juncture.

TB: Poof!

Mrs. Robinson

So, one of my matches from the experiment will be excluded from the results... read on to see why.

TB: Hi

[Juliet checks his profile which lists him as 45, but his blurb says "I'm not 45"]

DJ: If you are not 45... How old are you?
TB: Lol 23
When i started my facebook i put it older as a joke and idk how to change it back hahah
DJ: Hahahaha that is hilarious! You are toooooo young for me. I AM 39.
TB: Aw
DJ: I actually only have this account for blog fodder right now. But if you ever need advice from an older woman, you just let me know, mister! ;)
TB: Thank you! I will definetly ask you.
DJ: :D


29 Oct 2015
DJ: I have decided to send you weekly tips on how to woo the ladies and be a proper gentleman.
This week: grammar, spelling and syntax. You're a step in the right direction using actual punctuation. :D Just know that any woman worth her salt will appreciate the finer things like a capitalized "I" and proper spelling (it's definitely). That's all for now.

17 Nov 2015
DJ: Okay, so not weekly. She is a bad mentor. BAD OLDER WOMAN!
Today, though, let's talk about prophylactics, shall we? Did you know that some STDs can be transmitted even if you use them?
While it is true that condoms can cut the risk of transmitting herpes by half, you can still get it since the virus actually sheds outside the genital area and as a virus it can be transmitted by skin to skin contact.
So, get tested often and always practice safe sex!!




Next up...

• Dick pics are for meathead assholes who are just looking to get their dick wet. Stick to well placed double entendres and innuendo. Always leave 'em wanting more.

The Rhyme Collector

During the name swipe experiment, I matched with a "#2" (on 30Oct) who actually had a good blurb:

"Brain cells are lit, ideas start to hit, next the formation of words that fit, at the table i sit, making it legit, and when my pen hits the paper, awwww shit." (BDK)
6'4, lawyer, dope rhyme collector.

07Nov

DJ: I have a poem for your rhyme collection:
[#2] matched with me on tinder a week ago now, yet he hasn't even said hello. I was hoping a hottlie like him would bow, and bid a fair maiden a "yo". I'll make the first move, in the hopes that he'll grove, and send me a wink or a smile; "Dear, [#2]," I sass, "just where is your class? Your hello has taken a while."

[Juliet says: #2 is a two syllable name so I promise the pentameter is accurate!]

08Nov
TB: Badass rhyme. Complicated rhyme scheme and everything. I appreciate it.

[Juliet says: At this point, he starts to open up a dialogue. Asks me how I'm adjusting to the area and such, we chat briefly (he sent 3 messages over the course of 30min). As soon as I ask about his hobbies and what kind of law he practices... BAM. He disappears again. Interesting. So I send another rhyme.]

14Nov
DJ: Smoking some sativa on a splenderific Saturday, Beth sits on her patio to write. She wonders, how has [#2] been? I'll send another rhyme, and then...
He'll return a rhyme to her with much delight.

[Juliet says: Alas, he did not. I might send just one more rhyme ('cause they are fun to write) come this Saturday or so and then write him off. Not that I need another TB, you know, but it was nice to chat with one who used proper grammar and shit. Ah well; c'est la vie.]


TINDER RANT:
What the fuck, people? How am I supposed to accurately troll the Tinders when you don't tell me when people were last active anymore? Did someone stop chatting because they haven't been on the app in a week or two, or because they aren't interested and just were too lazy to click unmatch? What's with showing us where someone went to school instead of their activity level on the app? Isn't Tinder supposed to mostly be for trollin' anyway?

NaNoWriMo

November is National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) and this year, through sheer cussed determination, I am going to get 50,000 words on the page toward a new novel.

So, while I will continue the current name experiment and more conversations are certain to be shared for your reading pleasure, please bear with me this next month as my workload shifts slightly.

Fear not, though, dear readers. I will be back in full force come December once the novel is off to editing. I am also fairly sure the holiday blues will send Tinder-ers into a tizzy, so I expect much blog fodder to come.

Wow. Just wow.

I will let the conversation speak for itself.


TB: I see you are single you have kids
Where Cali you live
DJ: I do not have kids. I live in CITY OMITTED.
TB: Want kids
So why no man
DJ: You want kids? Like right now?
TB: If I met someone who wants kids sure
Why not
DJ: Well, I guess I'm just not there yet.
Very very newly single.
TB: Would you like to exchange numbers
DJ: I like to chat a little bit in the app before giving out my number.* Tell me a little more about you.

[Juliet says: *I learned from a horrible mistake]

TB: I'm single 39 no kids I'm from Boston I work out 6 days aweek trying his site not looking for one nighter but i do enjoy sex but not a one nighter I travel 3 times a year I like out doors activities I'm very open you

[Juliet says: Holy crap I get dizzy trying to read his texts. Where is the punctuation?!]

DJ: I am 39 as well. No kids, but still legally married. I am separated and not looking for a hookup but also not looking for LTR.
TB: So your looking for f w b
DJ: I am looking for friends. If a spark appears, perhaps benefits, but only if they naturally progress.
TB: That's find so you enjoy lots of sex
Do size matter
DJ: Well, I have a healthy libido if that's what you're asking.
As in height/build? Or "package size"
TB: All
My package like a 9
DJ: Height doesn't matter to me. I'm pretty short so it's uncommon for me to be taller.
TB: That's good so how long can you last in bed

[Juliet says: Haven't even finished the one question and he's shooting out more. Damn, he is trying to fast forward to "suck my dick" isn't he?]

DJ: "Healthy" or "medium" build is probably what I am quickly attracted to, however no one is perfect.
TB: How's my build

[Juliet says: Oh wow! I thought maybe he was speaking in some broken english or something, but now that I look at his pics... he's just a stupid meathead jock!]

DJ: Well, that's getting a bit personal pretty quickly.
TB: I find you attractive
DJ: Thank you.
TB: What do you think of me
DJ: Well, I don't really know enough about you yet. What do you do? For your profession
TB: Personal trainer
DJ: Ahhhhhh
TB: You
So when are you free to go out

[Juliet says: I feel like he is stabbing at me with a club when he says that; Mongol style -- YOU... *grunt* *grunt*]

DJ: Well, I'm actually busy all through Oct TBH. I get back from Vegas on 03 Nov.
TB: Vegas
So how bout I come see you when you come back
DJ: Yeah, my sister lives there.
Invite me to something and we'll see!

***A few days later***

TB: Hi
DJ: Hi, NAME OMITTED. How are you?
TB: Good just laying here you
Relaxing
DJ: Was organizing my kitchen cupboards and am taking a bong break.
TB: Really I'm not invited
I have really good trees
DJ: I have plenty myself!
TB: Can I come join you
DJ: I have a rule about meeting people in public first.
TB: We can meet in public fist silly
DJ: But I'm too stoned to drive.
TB: I'll drive to you
DJ: But then we aren't meeting in public!
TB: Yeah out side walking distance

[Juliet says: Yeah, bro; 'cause getting in a car with a stranger a few blocks from my house is totally just as safe as meeting in public.]

DJ: I really hope this doesn't offend you but your lack of punctuation makes it kind of heard to decipher your texts sometimes. Try and throw a comma in every now and again would you? ;)
TB: Lol
So let me ask you do you love sex when your stoned
I'm driving
DJ: Then you stop texting right now mister! No text and drive.
I am not looking for a hookup if that is where you are going
[Juliet says: I just think I'll remind him here... his memory isn't so great. He has asked me 3 times what city I live in)
TB: No I'm not looking for hookup but sex everyday would be nice few times day

[Juliet says: WOW]

DJ: Whoa. That feels super needy bro. I can't make that kind of commitment.
TB: Ok so how often then

[Juliet says: Here's where it gets REALLY good folks.]

DJ: Look, I'm not in any way promising to fuck you. I'm not that kind of girl. Let's start with basic human conversation, shall we? When you get to your destination and stop driving of course.
TB: But i want to fuck you lmao
DJ: How do you know that? I could be super gross.
TB: Woman with red hair and your eyes is enough my big fat cock go in you
Plus I have condoms for safe sex in till we have a relationship then bare
Unless you want a baby then we would have to work on my sperm getting in you
Do you like to get wet cumm all over you

[Juliet says: I think my favorite part of his terrible final slew of grossness is when he tries to educate me on how babies are made and if I want one we would have to change things up.]




I realize that I am swiping based on this experiment, and yes, he was a match from name #1. However, I figured I had gotten enough information from this toolbag.  I did not dignify him with a response and once all was captured for blog purposes, unmatched him.

Ladies? There be creepers out there. Be smart! Dudes? Don't be this guy.

A rose by any other name...

Most are familiar with this famous line from Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet,

     "What's in a name? that which we call a rose
     by any other name would smell as sweet;"

but what if you were to reverse it; take a group of people all with the same name and see how they are alike/differ? I decided to do just that and use Tinder for my experiment.

Step 1: Select a dozen names.

I'd like to say I selected these at random, but really it is all the first/middle names of my brothers, because it's very easy to remember those 12 names off the top of my head. ;)

Step 2: Swipe based on name ONLY.

The most interesting man in the world but name doesn't fit? LEFT

No picture or blurb but has the name? RIGHT

Those who read "The Tinder Deck" already have insight into what my (strong) opinions are when swiping through the deck. Can you imagine, then, what it is like for me to swipe right on someone with dreads AND a fedora; or worse, random picture and "looking for hookup" the only blurb information? Believe it or not though, this was not the hardest part of the experiment so far.

At a certain point I kind of found a way to hold my phone where all I actually see is the name. It makes it a bit easier for the initial swiping, but when I saw some of my matches I must admit to thinking "ew" a few times and at one point thought, I do NOT remem- ... Oh! Experiment. No data is being collected on looks and it will in no way skew my results.

Step 3: Have conversations with the matches.

Was this the hardest part? No. Some of the chats are difficult to be sure (syntax is so important to me, and there is so much epic fail out there) but I promise, we'll get to the hardest part.

Step 4: Collect and document data.

I have already started a spreadsheet documenting the names. I will swipe based on shortened names and/or alternate spellings (for example if the name William were on the list, I would swipe right on any William, Will, Bill, Billy, etc.). As usual, I will preserve anonymity and have assigned each name a number. I have some categories going already, but will need more matches and more conversations in order to populate the data.

Step 5: Analyze/blog the results.

You'll see it here in a few weeks! I have set a few additional parameters for this experiment (which will take place from 21 Oct - 03 Nov)

1. Use all likes for 7 consecutive days looking at name only. The rest of the time will be for chatting / collecting data.
2. Do not initiate contact with a match until they have said nothing for 3 days.
3. Do not meet anyone in person. This is based on names and chats only.
4. Be vague and make no promises to matches.*

*The hardest part about this experiment is the moral implication. These are real people out there and someone might actually be looking for the love of their life (but it's Tinder so most are just looking to get their dick wet). I had to think long and hard about how to not skew the experiment but also not toy with people's lives. Therefore I will be very careful to remain distant and reserved while still giving enough to keep the conversation going.

Gentlemanly Kindness vs. Misogyny

It it a bright line? No, 'tis a very fine line. However, let me try to explain for all you "nice guys" out there who need some schooling. Look, it all comes down to WHY you are performing an act of kindness. Is it because YOU are a good person; or because the other person has a vagina?

If you open the door for a female because she is a WOMAN -- you are a misogynist.
If you open the door for a female because they are a PERSON -- you are a gentleman.

If you offer to help a female out of a car because they are a WOMAN -- you are a misogynist.
If you offer to help a female out of a car because they are a PERSON -- you are a gentleman.

Do you sense a pattern here? Good.

If you offer to help someone out of a tall car because a) they are wearing platform heels and look like they might kill themselves if they don't get help, b) you don't care what gender that person identifies with, and c) all you really want is to help them avoid a faceplant... -- you are a good PERSON.

The goal, my friends, is not even to be a "gentleman" -- it's to be a good person. If you think you are a "nice guy" because you open the car door for your date, but you are really doing it because SHE is YOUR date and you now think she owes you something for your kindness, you are mistaken, sir.

If you offer to help someone across the street because they are a little old LADY -- you are a misogynist. Is this a kind act? Yes. Would you have done the same for an older gentleman in the same situation? That is key. Sure, you're not trying to get into the little old ladies pants, but we always talk about helping a little old LADY across the street. What about the sweet old GENTLEMAN trying to get across the street that keeps dropping those same oranges over and over out of his grocery bag and no one even thinks to help him (yes, I did help him. All the asshats behind me in traffic can go around. Despite the horns honking, I threw on my hazards, helped him with the poor bruised oranges, helped him across the street (and reminded him to wash the oranges really well before eating). Now, I don't share this story to make you go "OMG, she's such a good person!" I already know that. But it is an example for all of you "nice guys" out there -- next time someone is really having a hard day, step in and do your part. Think not of what gender they are, identify with, were born as, etc. Think about how a fellow human being on this planet could use a random act of kindness. Then, you won't even just be a gentleman and I'm here to tell you, a true woman is more likely to swoon after an intelligent and kind man any day of the week, regardless of what his abs may look like in a shirtless selfie.

Remember the rule*:
"Treat a woman like a person, then a princess, then a Greek goddess, then a person again."

Yes, we girls all want to be treated like ladies. However, some girls don't act like ladies, and some don't deserve to be treated like a lady. EVERYONE deserves to be treated like a PERSON.

*I am a fan of the show Psych. I would like to thank the writers of that show for this line (which was delivered by the character Shawn Spencer, but we all know it's the writers who are the brains behind literary gold like this).

The Tinder Deck

Before I made this blog I had certain expectations on Tinder. I knew there was going to be a lot of "NUPE!" but I didn't know quite how much. I of course have my own tastes as do all the girls out there but anymore, before I discount someone completely, I also think... "hmmmm, I wonder if he would make good blog fodder?" So, here is an entire post of what goes through my mind while swiping through the tinder deck.

Juliet says...

Ew. Fedora. LEFT

Four weird pitures of random colors, a fake name, and no blurb? Next! LEFT

Meh LEFT

Meh LEFT

Meh LEFT

Hmmmm, maybe. *click for blurb* "I'm a nice guy looking to finish first." Sadly, I just read a great article about "nice guys" and those who make a point to say they are one are usually misogynistic assholes who think that because they are nice to you they deserve your pussy. Could make for interesting fodder though... let's see what happens. RIGHT

Yeah... because posting a picture of a sailboat and saying you are captain of a sailbot is not enough. You have to make your name LASailor (clearly not his real name, so I feel no violation to my promise of anonymity). Not even worth the blog fodder. LEFT

Meh LEFT x10

Sorry dude... you have the same name as my ex. LEFT

Sorry dude... you have the same name as my brother, my brother-in-law and a soon to be brother-in-law. My mother has forbidden me from dating another one. LEFT

Buck toothed LEFT

Long dredded hair LEFT

Well hello! Damn. No blurb. LEFT

Hmmmm, maybe. RIGHT

I see a lot of guys complaining about girls who post group pics. Guys do it too. Which one are you? If I have to dig to find out... LEFT

Oh, sweetie, oh, honey. I'm pretty sure you're gay. Good luck figuring it out! LEFT

Default FB picture frame and no blurb? Why? Why would ANYONE swipe right on that? LEFT

Smoker... pass LEFT

I can't pronounce your name. I'm pretty good at language, but that looks like a random string of characters. LEFT

Douchey belt buckle, douchey white rimmed glasses, douchey tiny cowboy hat I have only ever seen on a woo girl... LEFT

Ew, a dodgers fan! Left. Left! LEFT!!! -- Look, Juliet, you be in LA country now. Give him a chance;  he's cute! OH... :( No blurb. LEFT

Not into the whole "pointing a shotgun at the camera vibe" LEFT

I'm getting more and more tired of the term "foodie" -- so many people have differring ideas of what that means. I'd like to debate it with you though, so RIGHT

You look like Lutz from 30 rock. LEFT

Is it really that difficult to type out "yourself" it's two extra characters. You're also telling me if I don't respond to you I should have swiped left. Terrible grammar, sounds like you're kinda needy, and YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! BUT! Possible fodder.... RIGHT

Totally not looking for a project, bro. You need a MOM not a match. Go clean yourself up. LEFT

35 cards, 4 RIGHT swipes, and only one who wasn't immediately dismissed as blog fodder. Yes, it's a sad state of affairs out there. Thank you, though, for all the blog fodder, Tinder! 

Be a man!!

So it seems I am forever trying to school the TBs into how to be a man. I get that I'm like awesome and stuff (and so humble to boot, eh?) and that one wants to meet me, but so far I have yet to have a reason to want to meet HIM. The following conversation ensued last evening.

TB: So hey when are we going to meet? In person that is.....
DJ: You tell me
TB: Like yesterday!
DJ: No no no
TB: Lol....
DJ: I mean, to put it bluntly, be a man.
Ask me on a date. Plan something. Invite me.
Gotta give ME a reason to want to date YOU. :)
TB: Of course I will! I was just messing with ya
DJ: Bring it!
Lots and lots of boys here on the tinders. Show me you're a man and we can meet in person. :)
TB: [Name omitted] I would be honored if you would accompany me on a date.
DJ: When? What should I wear? What are we doing? Is it mini golf or a night at the opera? Just drinks? Anywhere in between?
TB: When you have time free and wear something causal

[Juliet says: Wow, he just is not getting it is he? Take charge, yo.]

DJ: What about your schedule?
I have time free in a week, but if you don't get on the calendar now I won't still have that time in a week.
TB: Well I don't want to give the whole date away.
How about tomorrow or Friday night

[Juliet says: scroll up, asshat. I just said I'm not free for a week]

DJ: Busy. Busy. Like I said, a week out.
TB: Fine..... are you available possibly next Wednesday or Thursday night?
DJ: Checking.
TB: Take ur time. ....
DJ: Okay. Wed is out. Thursday is open. You have until Tuesday to give me a reason to not accept something better coming along.
TB: A challenge!
I like it!

[Juliet says: Well, you're failing miserably so far...]

DJ: Si señor
TB: Bilingual...
Lol
DJ: Haha No. Watched Sesame Street.
TB: Funny
Hey you know what? You never finished the intriguing story that you started......
DJ: I know. I thought we covered that already though. 'Twas a moment. The moment passed.
TB: Lol....


Did he continue to engage me? No he did not. Well, MTB readers, let's see how he fares over the next few days, shall we? Will he make it to Tuesday before I tell him we are clearly not a match and he should stop wasting his time trying to pursue me? Stay tuned!!

Making love vs Animalistic romp

During a conversation with a TB one night, I came up with an analogy. I shared this analogy with a friend today and because I felt it was rather eloquently put/refined in this specific text, I am going to put it here for my followers to enjoy. It was at least inspired by a TB. In true Darth Juliet fashion, I will not make any edits despite my desire to wordsmith things to refine and perfect them.



DJ: Sailing is like making love. It's slowish, deliberate, taking your time and feeling all the feels. You have to know your vessel and how it responds to the elements around it. It's all about feeling, exploring, and deliberation. Fast cars on the other hand, are like an animalistic romp; pushing the machine to it's redline and top speed, feeling it hug the curves as you blast around them just daring the machine to over or understeer so you can put it right back in its place should it do so. A couple needs both in order to have a healthy sex life.

Grammar Nazi

It seems that my TinderBoys don't so much like the grammar nazi either. Even the potentially not TB fodder I was chatting with this morning who pointed out that I use good adjectives and we talked briefly about the quality of my english (I explained a dangling participle to him) was chased away. So far, only twice has my "intelligence" been what makes them run off and never be heard from again. The other night...


TB: U there? Wat u up 2
DB: I'm just reading about literary rhetoric tools.
TB: That's a mouth full...

--and he was never to be heard from again.



This morning, though...

TB: Lmao. Your funny
DJ: Okay, school time. This is a huge pet peev of mine.
TB: K
DJ: Your = possessive you're = you are
Learn it, live it, love it. Any woman worth her salt will appreciate the little things like decent grammar. :D
... 15 minutes later
DJ: Did I scare you away with my grammar nazi?
TB: Nope. I'm not scared. I'm going to do what I choose anyway. lol

--and if he chooses to continue to be an ignoramous... don't care if he is heard from again.

Really? Really?! Really.

I seriously just saw a profile where the guy said he's looking for "the next assistance in getting my dick wet."

It's like some people aren't even trying.

Sorry folks. Nothing interesting out there tonight.

Romance Novel Fodder

This started out as as a ‘whatever’ convo about how my night plans were to christen my new bong and chow down the delicious BBQ I had adventured for and it turned into me realizing that I’m not just 'decent at written communication' or even 'good at creative writing'. I’m FUCKING AMAZING. Well, you decide…

DJ: Cloudy porch…

I wonder if my neighbors can smell it.

TB: Now your just rubbing it in…

DJ: Only a little.

I could be even more of a twat and tell you I’m naked.

(I’m not, but I could say it)

TB: That would be cruel.

And hot! *insert string of happy emojis here*

DJ: I know, so would me telling you how soft my boobs are right now — especially with the gentle and warm breeze caressing the nipples

(again, still clothed… just high and a good writer :))

TB: Damm

Even hotter

Keep writing….

DJ: (Only if you promise to not touch yourself except where I say while I do and critique me later)

TB: I’m totally game…

DJ: As you sit there thinking about how well my nipples could most likely cut glass right now, you can almost feel my hand at the nape of your neck, fingers playing in the short fibers of soft human hair.

TB: Mmmmm…

‘Where is she going with this?’ you think as you wonder how you could possibly have lucked into swiping right at the right time tonight.

TB: Nice…. very hot

DJ: As I gently rub the tips of my toes up my calf as though controlled by your hand I imagine you asking what my tattoo stands for.

TB: And?

You see the pout in my supple lips as I say “oh I wish you didn’t have to ask that. Why it’s the mark of the empire of course! Vader? Star Wars!?!”

TB: Lovin it

DJ: PAUSE

[Juliet says: That’s right, I am a fucking tease. Actually, just wanted to see if he did know/like Star Wars otherwise I wouldn’t know how to continue the story!]

DJ: Do you like star wars? I’m a nerd.

TB: Love it!

DJ: UNPASE

“I love Star Wars!” you say, “It’s just with all this smoke I couldn’t tell what it was.” You then reach across ‘accidentally’ brushing my boob with your forearm as you grab the bong for another hit.

TB: Except it was no accident

[Juliet says: No shit, that’s why I put it in single quotes.. only so much I can do with formatting in a tinder app!]

DJ: While you sit there smoking, you feel my hand on your thigh, teasing, taunting, gently getting closer and closer but not quite touching your manhood which has started to rise.

TB: Mmmmmm

[Juliet says: Why? Why interject? You’re ruining the story!]

DJ: As you throw your head back to blow out the hit, I throw my leg over your hip, climb into your lap and…

steal the smoke directly from your mouth with a suction so powerful your tongue can’t help but get sucked in too.

Setting the bong down, you reach in to grab my large supple breasts,

TB: Hell yeah

Damn

DJ: only to have me grab your wrists and pin them behind you, teasing, taunting, making you want to burst.

TB: I’m so turned on!

DJ: PAUSE

Sorry, I just have to say

I have never actually done this before.

But I’m like in the moment.

TB: Me too! I’m so turned on!

[Juliet says: Wow, this dude has a way with words, eh?]

DJ: And I think that life is a series of moments and I want to experience every single one of them, so I am going to just let it happen.

I’m like… Good at this. I should write a romance novel or something.

Anyway…

UNPAUSE

TB: Hell yeah you should

DJ: Your back arches as you try to free yourself from the grip of my strong thighs pinning you in place,

and my tongue explores your contour from your ear down to your nipples.

You stop fighting and let me control the positioning, all the while your throbbing member* demanding its turn soon.

*[Juliet says: I always wanted to use that phrase]

TB: Mmmmmm

So hot

I’m so turned on

DJ: As my feet explore your lower back you marvel at my flexibility and core strength as I continue the tease getting microscopically close to all the places you long me to pick, but never quite allowing the satisfaction.

TB: I wish I was there in person!

DJ: PAUSE

So, life plays in my head like a movie. When things happen, scenes play - they are especially vivid while I am high.

And when you said that just now, in my head the following scene occurred.

TB: Go on

DJ: You somehow could look through the phone like it was FaceTime or something but see me actually sitting here, very Alice’s wonderland dream like

TB: I like that

DJ: And in YOUR head, I was like one of those 450lb phone sex operators from a comic book, hair in curlers, cigarette hanging from the mouth, and this mornings eggs still staining the 1970 style house dress.

TB: LOL….

DJ: And you immediately unmatched me and I was like nooooooooo! But not because of you… Because I want to keep it! I’m an awesome writer it seems. Haha I knew I was like good at written communication and stuff, but I’m making myself hawt here.

No offense or anything

TB: U got me on fire

None taken

DJ: Just that’s what happened in my head.

So please can you not until I get this all documented? I’m not saying you will, but I seem to have a knack for chasing away dudes on tinder.

[Juliet says: you should see my blog...]

TB: I can only imagine how you would be in person….

DJ: Imagination is a great thing.

So is honesty.

TB: I AGREE!

DJ: Um… I haven’t met you or anything so I actually was picturing this happening here but with someone else…

/cringe

I’m single!!! Don’t get me wrong. But newly so. and newly crushing on someone else.

Just… Being honest.

Now can we cut with the honesty and get back to the story?

TB: I’m trying to get back on horse too

Ready…

Can’t wait for more

DJ: UNPASE

Once again you start to struggle for positioning as I whisper in your ear, “I hate to kill the mood, but I am all out of condoms.”

TB: *insert crying face emoticon here*

DJ: You stand up taking me in your arms and say, “there’s plenty I can do to you with other things!”

TB: Yes I can!

DJ: You kick open the french door to the bedroom, throw me down, apologies to the cat, and begin to disrobe.

PAUSE

Sorry!

I’m laughing.

TB: That was funny

DJ: I was just thinking of how sad it is that the reader of a romance novel wouldn’t get the full effect of the tease, you know?

The emotional roller coaster of awesome I’m taking you on.

TB: So true

DJ: Phone is only at 7% battery and I super have to pee.

TB: Up and down is a good ride *insert winking emoji here*

DJ: Give me 2 minutes (sorry if you lose wood)

…. and he was never

Just Kidding!! I actually did get very distracted by some delicious BBQ and then distracted by making a note for the next day, and 20 minutes later got a ping on the phone of him saying “long pee.” Oops! I begged off with sleepy times.

Online Dating and Safety

Last time I was in the dating world the internet was not widely used for much other than porn. There was no such thing as "online dating" (though some people did meet and marry through BBS or IRC); there was no social media, no match.com, no okcupid, and no tinder. Luckily, being a wee bit tech savvy as I am, I had no problem creating my account and even going to meet folks via the internet (as an online gamer it's not my first time there either).

That said, I do have a general rule; the first time I meet a random stranger off the internet will be in a public place. Even if one is just looking for a hookup, it's just smart to not give out your address without actually meeting the person (guy, girl, whomever).

This, to me, is common sense (which I realize isn't very 'common' anymore). Shockingly though, so many dudes want me to give them my address so they can come over to my house and "hang out" -- which is great if I already know a person, not great for a stranger on the internet; many of whom are classless boars who probably aren't sure what a double entendre is let alone astute enough to actually use one. They seem to prefer to skip straight to sending dick pics or asking for my bra size.

So, public place it is, yes? There has been some hilarious push back on this, as you can see from the below.

Red Hair

As part of my life shake up, I died my hair. I went with a red because I am super pale (read pasty white chick) and wanted it to look at least semi-natural (gotta keep up appearances for career, yo). I am not sure exactly what it is about dudes wanting to have sex with redheads. I inquired of a male friend of mine and he suggested it was the rarity of it all. This must be why many a conversation is opened with (in varying degrees of grammatical accuracy and/or syntax savvy) "I love redheads! Does the carpet match the drapes?"

I am always 100% honest and explain that I am naturally blonde. This is where the rarity theory starts to lose water. They don't care. I paid some lady to die my hair. Anyone can do that, or grab a box of home stuffs from (the) Target. So now when my hair color becomes a topic of conversation it pretty much spurs me into "game on!" mode. For example(s):

TB: I love red heads. ;) do the carpet match the curtains
DJ: No, I am naturally blonde.
TB: There can still be a magic carpet ride baby what yer num I want to see
DJ: Now now, not so fast, mister!
TB: Damn. lol y not
DJ: I thought you said "hopeless romantic" not "Pervy horndog" - Kudos for trying though.
TB: I'll have to remove that part jk
DJ: There is protocol to be followed, yo. Woo me. Tease me. Make me WANT to show you. That's a REAL man.
TB: If you didn't want me y swipe roght
DJ: I never said I didn't, but you have to work for it. Not gonna just throw open my legs and be like 'lookit my crack!" -- I am much more refined than that.
--- and he was never to be heard from again.


TB: hey sexy redheaded mama, does the carpet match the drapes?
DJ: Hello, actually my new apartment has laminate flooring and vertical blinds, but they are both light in color so I guess you could say they match.
TB: what
DJ: It's a joke.
TB: oh
--- and he was never to be heard from again.


TB: hey baby, love the red hair
DJ: Thanks! I paid good money for it.
TB: oh it not natural
DJ: No, just part of a life shake up.
TB: so what color is the carpet
DJ: I don't actually have any carpet, except a Persian rug in my living room.
TB: ...
--- and he was never to be heard from again.

Swiping Left

Don't put too much thought into your tinder profile, but put a tiny bit of effort in. Even if your pictures are all godlike and your name makes a woman want to swoon, there has to be more to you. The following is a list of things that will immediately get a swipe to the left outta me.

• Your name is obviously fake (and stupid; talking to you "Daddy-o")
• Hiding your face/body behind a cat/beaker/bike/anything in all your pictures (don't hide the true you... own it)
• You aren't actually in any of the pictures (Homer Simpson is not real, and no woman in her right mind would want to date him)
• Your pic is the FB default (seriously? pull out your phone and snap a selfie)
• Your "blurb" is empty (if you can't be arsed to type out a few measly characters... you don't deserve me)
• Complaining about Tinder in your "blurb" (no one reads these anyway = woe is me, I'm lonely and nobody loves me. Please, someone love me?)
• Swipe left if you, or swipe right if you... (you can't tell me what to do!!)
• Telling girls what not to do on their profiles (stop trying to teach classless bitches how to be human, that's my job now)
• Terrible grammar (or a flobbity-jillion emojis)
• Wasting characters explaining all your pictures (just take new pictures)
• Using a tinder quote by Abe Lincoln (way to be original)
• Doing the 'one of these is a lie' bit (again-- be original)
• Combination of quote and the lie bit (I might be tempted to swipe right just so I can send you a message and tell you what a douche you are)

Juliet says: Some chicks dig the hipster vibe, so I removed this from the list, but me personally -- you'll get a fast swipe to the left if all I see is fedora's (m'lady).