Swiping Left

Don't put too much thought into your tinder profile, but put a tiny bit of effort in. Even if your pictures are all godlike and your name makes a woman want to swoon, there has to be more to you. The following is a list of things that will immediately get a swipe to the left outta me.

• Your name is obviously fake (and stupid; talking to you "Daddy-o")
• Hiding your face/body behind a cat/beaker/bike/anything in all your pictures (don't hide the true you... own it)
• You aren't actually in any of the pictures (Homer Simpson is not real, and no woman in her right mind would want to date him)
• Your pic is the FB default (seriously? pull out your phone and snap a selfie)
• Your "blurb" is empty (if you can't be arsed to type out a few measly characters... you don't deserve me)
• Complaining about Tinder in your "blurb" (no one reads these anyway = woe is me, I'm lonely and nobody loves me. Please, someone love me?)
• Swipe left if you, or swipe right if you... (you can't tell me what to do!!)
• Telling girls what not to do on their profiles (stop trying to teach classless bitches how to be human, that's my job now)
• Terrible grammar (or a flobbity-jillion emojis)
• Wasting characters explaining all your pictures (just take new pictures)
• Using a tinder quote by Abe Lincoln (way to be original)
• Doing the 'one of these is a lie' bit (again-- be original)
• Combination of quote and the lie bit (I might be tempted to swipe right just so I can send you a message and tell you what a douche you are)

Juliet says: Some chicks dig the hipster vibe, so I removed this from the list, but me personally -- you'll get a fast swipe to the left if all I see is fedora's (m'lady).